The Personal Side of Bias, Prejudice, and Oppression

     Several days ago I participated in my son's preschool Easter egg hunt and party. Always willing to help, I offered to help a couple of the other parents (mothers) hide the eggs in the playground. Two of the helpers were moms, and anther was an aunt of one of the children. After all the eggs were hidden and we were waiting for the kids to come out, one of the mothers asked where my son would be attending Kindergarten. I advised them that he was changing schools for this, and when asked, stated that his gender non-conformity would be more supported at the other school. Two moms gave me very questioning looks, so I elaborated, that my son enjoys wearing dresses, and does so with regularity, but that the current school has told him that this would not be acceptable (as it may be distracting, make him a target, etc). One mom said, after a pause, "Well, they don't really want any of the kids wearing dresses... you know for the playground and stuff" (though her child and the other 2 girls in the class were all wearing dresses that day and routinely do). I smiled, and said, "He may not even want to wear them next year, but if he does, I want him in an accepting environment that will support him". The aunt (who was, for lack of a better descriptor, "butch" in appearance) is nodding her head and showing approval. The other mom (sister of the aunt and silent until now), says, "I have a nephew who dressed up too. He's ten, so he doesn't do it anymore, but he did for a while. So maybe your son will grow out of it" in her most comforting and encouraging voice.
     Kids experiment with gender norms, roles, and clothing. This is a normal part of play and development. So her comment was not entirely off the mark, however, the message was very clear: anything outside of the gender norm is pathological and may be overcome. Interestingly, once the hunt began, the aunt found opportunities to align herself with my son, helping him find eggs, engaging him in conversation and encouragement, and taking a moment to sit and talk to me.
     In this instance, equity was diminished. My son was viewed as outside the norm, not quite right, and by extension, so was I. One mom, a couple weeks ago, suggested that maybe he does this because he's around me all the time, without a father in the picture, in effecting 'blaming' his gender expression and choices on me. In both instances I was hurt and angry. Part of me wanted to educate these moms on the falsity of their statements, and their invalidation of an entire group of people.. Another part of me, the part that won out, left it alone, kept the focus on the egg hunt, and has since smoldered silently, knowing that this is not the isolated opinion of one or two moms, but rather the representation of the greater population.
     Given more time, and a different environment, I may have found the energy to educate the women on normal childhood development, on the biological and external factors that can affect gender non-conformity, and on harm of their biased and prejudiced comments. Possibly this would have led, eventually, to greater equity within this small community. Possibly not. Possibly when society sees transgender or gender non-compliant individuals, not as threats to their own sexual identity and safety, but as people seeking to outwardly express their internal identity, equity can be effected. Getting over the bathroom debate would be a huge first step. The second step would be acknowledging the discrimination, prejudice and hate that transgender and gender-nonconforming individuals face daily, and acknowledging 'our' roles in this and the bases for our bias. Gender associated rights and biases, though,are extremely slow to change. Perhaps because they identify some insecurity within us.  However, history and other cultures clearly demonstrate that gender non-complaint people have always part a part of our world, and are deserving of the same respect, acceptance, and celebration that every other person deserves.