Last summer I attended a baseball game in Atlanta with my son, my best friend, and her daughter. It was "Mother Son" night at the Braves stadium, and we waited about an hour to do our little march around the field. During the course of our time in the stadium, we had time to fill, so we browsed the shops. One particular shop was primarily women's clothing and accessories. My son and Megan (my friend's 5 year old) were enamored with the sparkly headbands, pink baseballs, and bedazzled accessories. The clerk approached us, and said, "Oh, those are expensive" in relation to a $12 dollar headband, and to my son, "Honey, there's nothing for you in here. But there's a boy's store down the way". My friend and I realized the double insult: clearly two women with two children must be a lesbian household, can't afford 'nice' things, and that boys should be not interested in pink, sparkly items.
My friend and I talked later. She told me that this was the first time she really understood what my son and I go through. And that she was appalled, hurt, insulted, and downright angry. We were assumed to be partnered, and she felt the microaggressions (both verbal and behavioral) that are often brought against gay parents. She also felt the microagressions that are inflicted upon a gender-creative family. Neither of us reacted in the situation, though I was sure to mention to the clerk, "My son just LOVES pink". Most of the conversation came later, with my son. As I once again affirmed for him that he can like whatever he likes, that sparkly things are pretty and lots of people like them, and no no one has the right to be mean to us about the things we like.
After viewing the video presentation this week by Dr Sue, I found myself more cognizant of my interactions with others, in fact someone anxious about them. I feel myself second guessing every comment, scrutinizing it for possible microagressions, and fearing that my well-intentioned comments and compliments are being received as the clerks were to me. Are my interactions with those of diverse cultural backgrounds tinged by generations of stereotypes that I try oh so hard to fight against? Am I inadvertently causing harm to others and leaving them feeling insulted, debased, hurt or angry? How does one balance this caution with communication?
I'm still working on it.
But I'm more aware of it now. Not only through my own experiences, but through hearing the stories of others. And my hope is to find a way to teach my child thoughtful, caring communication, based in kindness, awareness, and respect for others.
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteYet another example of that fabled "southern hospitality"! I'm sorry that you had to go through such a thing, and I can only imagine how difficult it is for you and your son navigating through bias and bigotry on a seemingly endless basis. What kind of backwoods organization has gender segregated memorabilia stores in this day and age? Even so, your money is just as green as everyone else and spends just the same. Having spent a season working part time for that horrible organization (their minor league affiliate used to be in Richmond), it is a wonder that it was once owned by a man who helped to create the United Nations Foundation! I am always happy to read about your continued support for your son and his choices, despite the struggles, and I can only hope that when he is older, he won't go through any type of identity crisis due to the open and honest communication and support that is giving him a solid foundation at a young age.
Thank you for sharing,
Eric
Sarah I am appalled at your experience! I understand that this is a class and we are studying about microagressions. I also understand that before I knew the term, I was aware that these types of behaviors existed. But now that I have been made more aware, it really turns my stomach to hear some of the stories of what people experience. When did we become so cruel and insensitive as a society? Is there so much prejudice, hate and stereotyping that you even make insulting comments to a little boy? Come on America! We have to do better than this! Unfortunately, there are some who are aware of their behaviors abut there are also others who are not. I really wish these topics were discussed ore in school at a young age. We should not have to get to a graduate program in college before we learn how to treat people. Thank you so much for sharing!
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