Myself in your shoes

Every day I come into situations with people from groups and cultures different from my own. Most days I have opportunity to consider what I would want or do if I were in their place. I ask my son to try to do the same, or to remember that we can't fully know where someone is internally that day. And while I thought I was doing a good job, maybe I can go a step farther. Maybe if makes more sense, as Bennett's Platinum Rule suggests, to consider another's situation from their own perspective, rather than my own.

Herein lies the challenge. None of us can ever truly know the experience (internal and external) of another. And most of us, on an average occasion, don't try too hard to put in more than necessary to get our own point across, much less taking the time and energy to accurately and fully understand the needs of another. However, many conflicts could be avoided or at least lessened if we (myself included) went the extra step to use the rule and treat others as they would want to be treated. This type of communion between two people requires each to have the knowledge, motivation, and skills to communicate inter-culturally.

The first step is to develop self-reflection and an awareness of what we do and do not know about another person, their culture, and their experience. It also requires attention to nonverbal communication dynamics (such as proximity, eye contact, tone, and volume), as well as verbal communication dynamics (word choice, avoidance of sarcasm, euphemisms, and other things that might not translate accurately).

Not every situation is going to go smoothly, and not every group is going to be able to find a place of open and honest communion based in empathetic understanding. In these cases, the development of a third culture might be necessary. In my daily life, my father provides me with the most relevant experience of inter-cultural communication challenges. Remembering that he is from a culture and group different from my own (conservative vs liberal, cohort differences, male vs female, religious vs nonreligious, etc), and trying to first use the rule may benefit our communication. Avoiding my own defenses and fears, and understanding that his communication has more to do with him and his experience than with me and mine may help in developing more effective communication as well as decreasing conflict. However, where this is not effective, we may have to simply agree to be different, but find common ground and common communication to meet at, thereby developing a third culture for our relationship.