Myself in your shoes

Every day I come into situations with people from groups and cultures different from my own. Most days I have opportunity to consider what I would want or do if I were in their place. I ask my son to try to do the same, or to remember that we can't fully know where someone is internally that day. And while I thought I was doing a good job, maybe I can go a step farther. Maybe if makes more sense, as Bennett's Platinum Rule suggests, to consider another's situation from their own perspective, rather than my own.

Herein lies the challenge. None of us can ever truly know the experience (internal and external) of another. And most of us, on an average occasion, don't try too hard to put in more than necessary to get our own point across, much less taking the time and energy to accurately and fully understand the needs of another. However, many conflicts could be avoided or at least lessened if we (myself included) went the extra step to use the rule and treat others as they would want to be treated. This type of communion between two people requires each to have the knowledge, motivation, and skills to communicate inter-culturally.

The first step is to develop self-reflection and an awareness of what we do and do not know about another person, their culture, and their experience. It also requires attention to nonverbal communication dynamics (such as proximity, eye contact, tone, and volume), as well as verbal communication dynamics (word choice, avoidance of sarcasm, euphemisms, and other things that might not translate accurately).

Not every situation is going to go smoothly, and not every group is going to be able to find a place of open and honest communion based in empathetic understanding. In these cases, the development of a third culture might be necessary. In my daily life, my father provides me with the most relevant experience of inter-cultural communication challenges. Remembering that he is from a culture and group different from my own (conservative vs liberal, cohort differences, male vs female, religious vs nonreligious, etc), and trying to first use the rule may benefit our communication. Avoiding my own defenses and fears, and understanding that his communication has more to do with him and his experience than with me and mine may help in developing more effective communication as well as decreasing conflict. However, where this is not effective, we may have to simply agree to be different, but find common ground and common communication to meet at, thereby developing a third culture for our relationship.

Muted Relationships

     This week, we were asked to view a television show that we had never seen before, but to view it on mute. The point was to observe individuals and the relationships between them, form some assumptions and then re-view the program and assess your assumptions. For this exercise I initially though of watching a children's show, out of curiosity as to what subtle messages are being imparted, but ended up watching "Schitt's Creek", a series on Amazon staring Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara. The only knowledge of the series that I had prior to viewing was "The Rose family must relocate to a small town Johnny once bought as a joke" (Amazon, 2017).
     My initial assessment of the series characters is that the family (mother, father and 2 adult children) is highly affluent, but due to some legal issue, their home and possessions are confiscated, and the family is forced to take up residence in a small town motel. The family appears to be close, however under considerable stress. The two adult children appear to interact with one another, and with others to a large degree, as if they were adolescents. The adult daughter appears to be the princess of the family. The mother and father appear as a unit, with the father being somewhat passive and the mother being the primary voice of the family. No physical contact was demonstrated, either loving or nurturing or negative, yet the family gave the impression of one that cares for one anther (in a petulant teenagery kind of way). The additional primary role in the series is a scruffy, "local-yokel" appearing man from the town (Chris Elliott), who appears to initially help the family find residence in the motel, but quickly tramples boundaries and becomes an antagonist for the family. 
     After veiwing the series with dialog intact, my basic assumptions about the show were correct. The family, though very sarcastic and clearly under considerable stress, does appear to care for one another. The mother is the matriarchal powerhouse of the family (at it appears that it was her company that was seized due to tax evasion by their financial manager), yet she and her spouse remained a united front throughout the episode. The adult son and daughter both react to situations and one another in very adolescent ways with name calling, "shut-up" fights, and sarcasm. The one person that I misjudged the most was the scruffy local, who turned out to be the mayor, however I was correct in my assumptions related to his boundaries. 
     This was an interesting exercise, and one that I think would be interesting in repeating with different kinds of programs, particularly children's programs as children tend to be very observant of non-verbal communication. 

Competent Communicator

From my point of view, in order to be a good communicator you have to be both listener and speaker. I know a lot of good listeners, and a lot of good speakers, but very few hold both in high amounts.

One person, however, is a friend and former co-worker, Lori. Lori has served as a hospice chaplain for many years. She is soft spoken, yet holds her audience's attention, and can command a formidable audience when called for. She is articulate, educated, and well read, so she is able to hold conversations on a variety of topics with confidence and effectiveness. However, she is also familiar with popular culture, issues of diversity, and is therefore able to connect with individuals and families who may come from outside the dominant culture. She is a skilled active listener, demonstrating understanding, attentiveness, and empathy, and does this both verbally and non-verbally.

A good listener listens more than they speak. And  good speaker speaks with economy and deliberateness. Lori is able to balance these actions, and was an excellent role model for my beginning work in hospice.

Thank you Lori!