Adjourning

Thinking back on the groups that I have led, either long running support groups or one time only groups such as a psycho-education group or a memorial service, the closing phase has always been one of my favorites. It is a time of reflection, of honoring the work done together, and building a bridge to the world outside of the group.

For some groups, this is a hard time, filled with mixed feelings of loss and relief: the 'hard' work is done, the vulnerability of the group is over, but the relationships built within the group are often over too. For other groups, perhaps those that met with less frequency or less intensity or those that were less cohesive, the closing phase is less intense and may be more celebratory in feel.

In either case the use of ritual has always been a part of my group closings. The ritual could be something as simple as a a poem, or encouraging members to share parting words of gratitude to one another. Or the ritual could be more elaborate such as sharing a meal, a balloon or butterfly release, or the group creation of a takeaway item.

Traditionally at the end of a school program, a graduation ceremony is the final part of the adjourning phase. However, in the virtual classroom, this is not always part of the graduation experience. My last Master's program ended rather unceremoniously, and I imagine that this one will too, particularly as the class is about to split into specializations and those whom I have made relationships with during this phase of my study may not be with me in the end. However, I have found that in some cases, the adjourning can be "completed" independently through individual rituals. It may be a thank you sent to those peers who have impacted me the most, or raising a glass to them at the end of the program. I'm not yet sure of how this program will close out, and at this point, I don't imagine myself taking on the role of facilitating a group closing ritual, however I'm interested in hearing what others might be thinking on the topic!

Resolving Conflict

It's been a difficult couple of weeks. My tension level has been high, and my tolerance levels low. Some of this stems from interpersonal conflict, and some from other pieces of m life. Yet it seems all of my interactions have been affected.

Recently my son and I were headed home from a play date. It had been a wonderful afternoon. Yet his mood was suddenly foul. He was tearful about leaving the play date (something different for him), wanted to eat at a favorite spot, then refused to eat anything once we were there. He was short with me, blamed me for every bump in the road, and all in all made the experience really unpleasant. On the way home I notice he is falling asleep next to me in the golf cart, not an easy task considering the state of the path in places, and I realize he is exhausted. He was asleep by 6:15 pm (and awake by 5:00 am the next morning....arg).

Needless to say, the combination of his internal experience and my internal experience were not conducive for anything other than discord.  Being the adult in the situation, finding the resolution comes to me.

Gerber's second R (of respect, responsiveness, and relationship) would have been a great first start: observing his behaviors and responding to them without judgement. Second, awareness and acknowledgement of the effects of my internal states would have helped to tease apart some of the reality of the situation from the baggage I was bringing to it. And finally, by using some of the tenets of nonviolent communication (emphatically listening and honestly expressing), it is possible that my son and I would have been able to enjoy our evening instead of arguing and finding only frustration in one another's presence.

Communication Evaluation

It always amazes me how different we can be from the ways that others see us. 

For instance, in being asked to assessment my own listening, communication anxiety, and aggressiveness, I found my scores/styles, fairly close to how I see myself. I tend to be person focused (sometimes to a fault), anxious in small and large groups when the focus is on me, and stray from aggressiveness and confrontation. Sure, I fantasize about making sharp witted comments when people offend me, but typically, my response is much more banal. 

However, it seems that others see me a little differently, and even differently between them. For instance, my mother who has "known" me my entire life, assessed my comfort in groups much differently than I did. She felt that this was a context in which I was quite comfortable as I tend to present myself well (despite the flop sweat pit stains that typically accompany me). However, my best friend, assessed my internal processes (anxiety, fear) more accurately, but agree with my mother on my external presentation. Both assessed me fairly similarly on aggressiveness and listening, as both have been on the receiving end of numerous conversations with me. Both are aware of my dislike for conflict and aggression, and feel that my listening skills serve me well in person-to-person communications. 

Honestly, it's nice to know that I come across more confident than I feel in small and large group interactions. It seems I hold my own. I tend to use humor when i'm nervous, and thank goodness this is typically socially acceptable and seen not as anxiety-based, but rather sociability. It gives me a little more confidence, knowing that my internal experience is not outting me to the group. Yet, likely not enough confidence to EVER make group or public speaking something that I enjoy.