It's been a difficult couple of weeks. My tension level has been high, and my tolerance levels low. Some of this stems from interpersonal conflict, and some from other pieces of m life. Yet it seems all of my interactions have been affected.
Recently my son and I were headed home from a play date. It had been a wonderful afternoon. Yet his mood was suddenly foul. He was tearful about leaving the play date (something different for him), wanted to eat at a favorite spot, then refused to eat anything once we were there. He was short with me, blamed me for every bump in the road, and all in all made the experience really unpleasant. On the way home I notice he is falling asleep next to me in the golf cart, not an easy task considering the state of the path in places, and I realize he is exhausted. He was asleep by 6:15 pm (and awake by 5:00 am the next morning....arg).
Needless to say, the combination of his internal experience and my internal experience were not conducive for anything other than discord. Being the adult in the situation, finding the resolution comes to me.
Gerber's second R (of respect, responsiveness, and relationship) would have been a great first start: observing his behaviors and responding to them without judgement. Second, awareness and acknowledgement of the effects of my internal states would have helped to tease apart some of the reality of the situation from the baggage I was bringing to it. And finally, by using some of the tenets of nonviolent communication (emphatically listening and honestly expressing), it is possible that my son and I would have been able to enjoy our evening instead of arguing and finding only frustration in one another's presence.
Hi Sarah
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this story about you and your son. I agree that observing his behaviors and responding without judgement would have been beneficial in this situation. Although it may have been frustrating, I do believe the the third R of relationship was still in place to where your son felt comfortable enough to express whatever he was feeling knowing that you would still be there to support him. I have had similar situations with my daughter and I really had to take a step back and think about what could be the root of the problem. I know it's not a surface issue and for whatever reason she cannot fully articulate what she is feeling. Did you ever get to the root of what was going on with your son? I do understand the frustration. But know that you;re doing a great job and you're still an awesome Mom. :-)
Tequilla,
DeleteThank you for your kind response. He was in part tired (after a full afternoon and no nap), but he is also grieving the distance between himself and his father, doesn't understand our separation. In truth, the separation and some of it's ramifications have affected by mood and temper lately as well. Maybe if I had tried to meet him there we could have resolved the situation differently.
Thanks again for your kindness,
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteWow, the things we go through as moms! There are days which seems that everything goes so smoothly. We even give ourselves a pat on the back. But, then there are those other days, and you're left wondering were you went wrong. But, what we must always remember is that communication in rather complex, and young children have a hard time balancing their emotions. The funny thing about this is just when you think they have calmed down between the ages of 7 -12 it begins again! OMG! Keep your chin up! you're doing a great job!